keep the fire burning...

There are times in my life that I think I just want to die. Now is one of them. But then whenever I think about that, it makes me think that I’m selfish. Selfish because I’ll be leaving two beautiful bebes de vampire behind, motherless.

So anyway, I shouldn’t think I want to die right now, but man, it hurts. I’m confused. Is it because of my pride? Is it because I’m afraid? Is it because I want my les bebes de vampire to have a good life? Or is it because I am still capable of loving as much as I did before? Truth is I don’t know. Maybe it’s none of the above or all of the above.

Every person has a breaking point. It is when they say that enough is enough. When will I ever hear those words coming from my very own mouth? I used to believe that I’m a strong person. That no one will ever be able to hurt me. I was strong... until I chose to give it my all. Well, almost my all.

Up until now, I couldn’t quite fathom why it has come to this. I’m always about to break because the pain is too much for me to bear, but I have also always refused to give in. I have to protect les bebes de vampire. If I give in now, who will be there for them?! It’s like I’m stuck in this situation forever. Don’t act stupid because you’re not, they always say. Maybe I’m not. I guess I’m just taking my time in figuring out what needs to be done, because it is a very delicate situation. Or maybe I am. It’s taking me a lot of time because I can’t figure it out. Or again, maybe I’m not. I’m just a fool. A very hard-headed fool! I have always known what to do but I refuse to take the necessary steps. They told me to let go, but when I look at my les bebes de vampire, it feels like all my strength goes down the drain. Why is it so hard to make a decision and think of yourself for a change when you look into those two pairs of beautifully innocent eyes?

Maybe this is only a part of a really bad dream, a nightmare. In an instant I’ll wake up and cry about this nightmare on his shoulders. Or maybe, I’m not cut out to be with him for the rest of my life.

I want my heart to stop feeling what it has been feeling for the past years. Or maybe I don’t. God help me.

Labels: drama, thoughts